when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
areolas are like halos for boobs.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
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