I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
People with herpes should wear stickers.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
