Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
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