I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
A+ Viking dick
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
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