Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
