are you still at the devil's house?
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Well I just put wine in my tea
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Randomize
