I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Randomize
