i wish there were pregnant emoticons
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Randomize
