Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
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