the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
