I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
