Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
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