so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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