Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
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