I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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