i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
