Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
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