so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
There's always time for handjobs
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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