Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Randomize
