You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
