No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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