oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
