I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
