I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
