In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
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