You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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