i just wanna soil my oats bro
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Randomize
