he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
