So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
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