It's Friday. Sex?
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
Randomize
