she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
Randomize
