Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
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