I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
