Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
Randomize
