Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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