I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
