Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Randomize
