his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
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