Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
