And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
