Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
