well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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