I am puke
Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
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