bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
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I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
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Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends