I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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