im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
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