Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
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