i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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