then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
