Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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