Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
