I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
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