Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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