if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
someone get that fucking seahorse.
he called me a worthless slut and then went 2 the bathroom 2 pee on the floor before leavin. but he was really hot and he left his jacket, should i call him?
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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