:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
honey bunches of taint.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Randomize
