i barfeds in our rink
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
third nipple confirmed
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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