He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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